I have practically no emotional attachment to my father. The only attachment I have is to some dream of what I think a father is supposed to be. Someone that knows how to talk to me, someone that doesn’t sneak and trick and lie his way around. Someone that isn’t on meth. Someone that hasn’t abandoned his other child on my mother. I only have a dream, but a dream is just a dream and quickly fades in morning’s light to highlight the harsh realities of what my father actually is.
I don’t have daddy issues but sometimes I get a quick little stab in the heart because I wonder how I’ll feel when I find out he died someday? Will I feel anything? Will I be angry? My dad has never been around and I’ve learned to realize that I’m actually really lucky because of that. Would have been worse if he had. I like to believe that if he was clean he’d be an entirely different person…someone I could relate to. Alas, I have to accept that he will never be around, or if he is, not in the way he should be around. He won’t walk me down the isle and he won’t meet his grandchildren. He doesn’t even know about my epilepsy. A father should know these things. Is he a father or a sperm donor?
I’ve accepted all these things even if it makes me breathe a little quick sometimes. I play it off as no big deal because it’s honestly not a big deal now. It was a big deal when I was 14 and everyone had a dad but me and I felt abandoned. I felt that there was something wrong with me and that he was disappointed that he didn’t have a son. Of course now I know that he loves me. He loves me in the only way he knows how and I accept that.
Now I’ve grown up and I’ve turned into my mother but I am also uniquely myself and I’m content with that. I won’t deny that I’ve always longed for a father figure if not actually my father. Honestly, I still want one, I want that strong male presence in my life, but I think I’m getting a bit too old to be caring about this still. I’m 26 years old and I’m way too old to have parental issues especially when I had one parent that is better than two parents combined. I am perfectly happy with that.