Depressing days…

So…my boyfriend’s dad un-friended me on Facebook because apparently my life…or at least how I deal with my life…is too depressing. It also doesn’t help that we’re politically on the opposite end of the spectrum. As far as politics I’ve kept my mouth shut, but he hasn’t. That’s his right but out of respect for my boyfriend I’m not going to argue it. He’s also a hell of a lot more religious than I am, and that’s cool too, and I keep my mouth shut about that as well. Otherwise I could go off on a tangent.

Over all I feel I’ve been very respectful and I’ve made sure not to cross any boundaries. Nick doesn’t understand why I care so much about having a good relationship with his parents. After all, if Nick and I get married his family becomes my family, so yeah, I’d like to have good relations. Facebook isn’t all that important but it still hurt, you know? His father doesn’t understand because he never cared to. He doesn’t know me, he couldn’t tell me anything about myself and he’s judged me as being too depressing. He questions why I’m still unemployed even though I’ve been trying. Well, that’s fine (it’s not fine) I don’t wake up every morning to impress anyone.

If he knew anything about me; what I have to chemically deal with everyday; maybe he would be more understanding.

A lot of my posts aren’t even all that depressing…it varies. You know, we’ve been together for two and a half years and his dad has never made a move to welcome me into his family. I mean, the family invites me to dinner every few months, but usually Nick asks if I can tag along. In contrast my mom has made a huge effort to welcome Nick into MY family to the point where he loves her and she loves him. It just feels so unfair. Well, life isn’t fair. This leads me to my next topic.

Today I went down to the social security office to try and get some aid. Nick has to take care of me completely…my seizure medication (no insurance, so $150 a month), my phone ($35), food and rent ($600 + utilities). I’m such a God damn loser but I’ve been trying. I’ve pretty much applied everywhere…multiple times…and I just graduated so I’ve recently had new employment options as well. I’m just not being given the chance. It’s not like I’m being lazy and not doing shit all day.

So yeah, we needed some help so I went down there after my volunteer “job” at the Kidz Club and…I don’t qualify for general aid because I am a single female without children facing deprivation. I asked if it was just me facing deprivation, given my epilepsy and no income, and she said no. The only bit I would qualify for would be if I went to some sort of class 21 hours a week and earn a whopping $35 for my trouble.

I couldn’t help it, I shamefully broke down right then and there.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. I wanted to tear my hair out. I wanted to bleed. (I never posted anything THAT depressing on Facebook) but all I did was cry…since doing those other things would have been grossly unnecessary. She asked if epilepsy makes me disabled. I said “If I don’t have my pills, yes. I have back-to-back seizures and I would eventually die. I need aid. For my pills. For my life. I just need a little help.” and I think she took pity on me. So now we’re finding out if I can get some medical aid for my pills and to see if I can get some food stamps. It’s some aid and it will help, even if it shames me. I hate that I’m fucking 26 years old and I can’t even feed myself, let alone do all the other adult stuff that should be my responsibility. I hate it. If I get shut down I honestly don’t know what I’ll do…besides continuing my seemingly futile search for a job.

As much as I claim I excel at not giving a shit I really do…give a shit. *rolls eyes*

I want the people I know to not look at me that way.

That look keeps them from knowing the real me.


Not perfect, but similar.


9 thoughts on “Depressing days…

  1. M says:

    As I said on your Xanga post, I’m sorry to hear about this and I hope things get better.

  2. LoveIn102 says:

    I hate to hear about things like this. his family is going to become part of yours whether he likes it or not, and things will only be tougher the longer he waits to make things right. that’s definitely very extreme of him to delete you from his Facebook account. I can’t imagine any bigger of a slap in the face. the job market is tough for EVERYONE now, and you definitely have the odds just stacked right against you. I sure hope they can figure some things out with the public assistance situation. have you looked into finding internships to help you get your degree related experience, or is that what your volunteer job now is for? it will be very beneficial even if it’s not a paid one. you have every right to be extremely upset and I hope things start turning around soon.

    • It’s just so weird to me because as far as I know I haven’t done anything. It may not be completely my fault because Nick said that he hasn’t made any great effort to get to know his sister’s(2) husbands either. I don’t think any of their mates (me, the husbands) practice Christianity…not sure what the husbands believe but I’m pretty sure they don’t go to church. His dad, from what I understand, is very active in the church. It may be simple as that. Either way, it really hurts and I feel like it’s a false judgement.

  3. viefinale says:

    Job market sucks. You say you recently graduated college? Extra unfortunate. People around our age were raised being told that college was going to pave the way to success for us…and a hell of a lot has changed since then. It IS depressing that educated young people like yourself have to face such a hostile job market. It is ridiculous. Best of luck on your search.

    • Thanks. I’ve known a couple people who have been out of school for a couple years and are still stuck in their dead end job or unemployed. There is this quote from the movie Fight Club that I think applies to what you said.

      “I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”

      A little different, but it still applies. We’ve been told that if we work hard we can achieve anything…except very few of us get to see our hard work come to fruition.

  4. fadingsunlight says:

    Another Xangan? 🙂 I guess that’s why WordPress suggested you to me.

    I go through something similar with my fiance`’s parents. They…judge everyone. Half the time they’re even so judgy and pushy with him that it makes me wince. But I’m putting forth effort and “want” to spend time with them so that, hopefully, it improves the relationship there…especially since I’m supposed to meet the whole family in December. WHEEEE!!

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