So…my boyfriend’s dad un-friended me on Facebook because apparently my life…or at least how I deal with my life…is too depressing. It also doesn’t help that we’re politically on the opposite end of the spectrum. As far as politics I’ve kept my mouth shut, but he hasn’t. That’s his right but out of respect for my boyfriend I’m not going to argue it. He’s also a hell of a lot more religious than I am, and that’s cool too, and I keep my mouth shut about that as well. Otherwise I could go off on a tangent.
Over all I feel I’ve been very respectful and I’ve made sure not to cross any boundaries. Nick doesn’t understand why I care so much about having a good relationship with his parents. After all, if Nick and I get married his family becomes my family, so yeah, I’d like to have good relations. Facebook isn’t all that important but it still hurt, you know? His father doesn’t understand because he never cared to. He doesn’t know me, he couldn’t tell me anything about myself and he’s judged me as being too depressing. He questions why I’m still unemployed even though I’ve been trying. Well, that’s fine (it’s not fine) I don’t wake up every morning to impress anyone.
If he knew anything about me; what I have to chemically deal with everyday; maybe he would be more understanding.
A lot of my posts aren’t even all that depressing…it varies. You know, we’ve been together for two and a half years and his dad has never made a move to welcome me into his family. I mean, the family invites me to dinner every few months, but usually Nick asks if I can tag along. In contrast my mom has made a huge effort to welcome Nick into MY family to the point where he loves her and she loves him. It just feels so unfair. Well, life isn’t fair. This leads me to my next topic.
Today I went down to the social security office to try and get some aid. Nick has to take care of me completely…my seizure medication (no insurance, so $150 a month), my phone ($35), food and rent ($600 + utilities). I’m such a God damn loser but I’ve been trying. I’ve pretty much applied everywhere…multiple times…and I just graduated so I’ve recently had new employment options as well. I’m just not being given the chance. It’s not like I’m being lazy and not doing shit all day.
So yeah, we needed some help so I went down there after my volunteer “job” at the Kidz Club and…I don’t qualify for general aid because I am a single female without children facing deprivation. I asked if it was just me facing deprivation, given my epilepsy and no income, and she said no. The only bit I would qualify for would be if I went to some sort of class 21 hours a week and earn a whopping $35 for my trouble.
I couldn’t help it, I shamefully broke down right then and there.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. I wanted to tear my hair out. I wanted to bleed. (I never posted anything THAT depressing on Facebook) but all I did was cry…since doing those other things would have been grossly unnecessary. She asked if epilepsy makes me disabled. I said “If I don’t have my pills, yes. I have back-to-back seizures and I would eventually die. I need aid. For my pills. For my life. I just need a little help.” and I think she took pity on me. So now we’re finding out if I can get some medical aid for my pills and to see if I can get some food stamps. It’s some aid and it will help, even if it shames me. I hate that I’m fucking 26 years old and I can’t even feed myself, let alone do all the other adult stuff that should be my responsibility. I hate it. If I get shut down I honestly don’t know what I’ll do…besides continuing my seemingly futile search for a job.
As much as I claim I excel at not giving a shit I really do…give a shit. *rolls eyes*
I want the people I know to not look at me that way.
That look keeps them from knowing the real me.
Not perfect, but similar.