My Texas reflection

You know, sometimes I think about the life I had back in TX compared to the life I created for myself now and I thank God that I dodged that bullet.

In today’s life I have accomplished what only 5.7% of the American population achieve. I have achieved what 15% of the American epileptic population has achieved. I have graduated from university. Not only that but I did it with honors despite my condition…which was no easy task, believe me.

I have found Nick the undoubted love of my life. He is perfect for me and I am perfect for him. If I was ever to find myself alone again I would be okay never falling in love again. No one could top him. I am working with children and bettering their lives. I am instilling a life-long love of learning in them. I am helping to insure the future in my community. The pay is crap but that is unimportant in comparison to aiding the cultivation of the future masters of this country. In a few years time I will even have my own business if all goes well.

I think if I had stayed there a year longer I would have tried to kill myself. No joke. It seemed like everything but college ran counter to my belief system among other things that torched my soul and challenged my sanity. It was proven over time that ignoring my mother’s advice was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I was trapped in a prison of my own design. Mother is always right.

Epilepsy can be caused by stress and while I lived there sometimes I would be so depressed and in pain that I sometimes felt like bits of my brain were “breaking.” I told my neurologist that but he said it would be impossible for me to feel that…I don’t believe that though. It wasn’t a “physical” pain more like a release of pressure that never went away. That “pain” manifolded a dozen times when I had my seizures. I wonder if I would have developed epilepsy if I wasn’t so abused during my life there.

There is a silver lining to my time spent there…I re-realized that education is the most important form of freedom and the change of personality and worldly awareness between my fellow peers in my classes in comparison to those who were not college bound were astronomical. College gave me a sense of self-worth and boosted my self esteem as I realized what I was capable despite what others may have said.

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