Untouched and Alive

Old poem I wrote soon after being diagnosed with epilepsy.

–Untouched and Alive–

Dazed and confused.
Lost and amazed.
Standing straight and tall.
But I feel my legs shake.
I clench my hands.
Feel thin nails bite into thick flesh.
I test the resistance and find it sound.
I fall to the ground.

I pick myself up and begin again.
Lock those black truths up again.
And turn my face towards the sun again.
I feel the pure white orb of my soul and think.
“Untouched and alive.”

With every breath I take.
Pours out crimson regret.
And Self-Betrayal.

I can’t be two places at once.
And so I pray.
“Untouched and alive.”
It’s not a statement.
Not a fact.
It’s a hope.
It’s a lie.
It will become my new reality.

I’ll make my own salvation.
Behind this mask and a perfect smile.
Behind this scarred, scared creature that lies within.
Lies that white orb of pure light.
The one thing that cannot be broken.
I can move on. I can survive.

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