Since moving to Los Osos I’ve bounced from one crisis to another and I’ve only been here a week. Of course, most of this week hasn’t even been about me (as it should be) but I’m still heavily effected by it and as a result I am super stressed and haven’t slept more than say…ugh 12-14 hours since Saturday.
One of my flaws is that I’m disorganized. Having epilepsy doesn’t help matters because it makes me forgetful. I’m living “alone” (as in without friends or family, just a roommate) so I don’t have someone anymore to say “Zoë, did you take your pill case?” “Zoë did you make sure your pill case for next week is organized” That alone is enough to floor my brain for weeks, if not months, especially since these were grand mals.
My boyfriend’s brother-in-law killed himself on Wednesday night. He was an Iraqi vet who had PTSD, but didn’t get help. He was also a gun enthusiast. On paper no combination of that should be allowed to have a gun. They had been having problems for a long time and it was just harder and harder for him. I really feel for him but we never liked each other. He never gave me a chance. He always would look at me with this…I dunno, it felt like hostility. I think he could tell we were from different ends of the spectrum politically. It made me feel guilty as shit to learn that I wasn’t surprised by the news. Just because I’m perceptive doesn’t mean I’d ever want that though. He had a 9 month old baby and my boyfriend’s sister loved him with all her heart and then some. I wish he hadn’t done it. Obviously there is more to him than what I saw on Christmas or birthdays and I got to learn a lot more about him. I can’t say we ever would have been friends but I got to see a lot more of him. He was a good person. He just had a lot to struggle through and never got the help he needed. Seeing his wife’s world come crumbling down around her while she screams in pain is more than I can bear. It’s just such pure emotion. Pure suffering. I’d do anything to give her some relief.
Here is where I get to the point that is effecting me the most and by no means am I trying to make this about me. I’m just human and I can only take so much. Most of Nick’s family is being really rude to me. I get that they’ve never really accepted me except for his mother. I know all that though I pretend not to. I know that their reasons are superficial and me being an epileptic, non-Christian, non-republican isn’t a good enough reason to disapprove of me. I never even mention the religious/political stuff either. I just don’t jump into the conversation and try really hard to look busy. Sometimes I can’t resist and offer a statistic on the situation (I’m one of those annoying people that know tons of statistics about random shit. I use information to try and improve my memory as best I can. I got the idea from a movie, I don’t know if it works. Either way I’m exercising my mind.)
**It’s not that I have seizures it’s that my condition puts their son/brother through a lot and they want a healthier person for him**
It was shit like the brother-in-law never wanted me to hold his child. Based on absolutely NO incident. He just had decided that because of the above superficial reasons he didn’t like me. Of course I complied but I was deeply hurt. “It’s nothing personal” his wife told me. How else am I supposed to take it? I’m offended. I’m hurt. Instead I just said “I understand completely” because it’s the worst time of her life. You know what? I don’t understand. I think it’s stupid. However, it’s whatever she wants. I’ll just pretend like I’m not and then bitch on my blog later. Wait, I’m already doing that.
The gambit of emotions yesterday was all over the place and when she was out of ear shot (though no one else thought she was, but she was in the kitchen at the back of the house and we were in the front yard) and I told them “This happens 30 times a day to war vets who don’t get help. We need to actively try to protect them. We’re not doing a good enough job helping the people who gave their all for us.” apparently that was rude as shit. I don’t get it, I thought I was trying to lend support…some crazy how.
The night it happened I was excluded. Another thing that hurt. Though I was later apologized to by Nick’s mom. Like I said, he and I didn’t get along but he was the first person I’ve ever known to do something like this to themselves. I was in shock and upset. No one should feel like they need to do this. This has never been how I felt about him. What took the cake though was when Jeremy went and got me when I thought we were going to go to Jeremy’s house instead we went to this guy named Gary’s place. I didn’t know that the deceased and this guy knew each other. I knew him from a couple parties and he’s always been cool enough. I’ve changed my mind. He reminds me a lot of my ex, the one who abused me to the point where I believe he is mostly responsible for my condition. However, I didn’t hold this against Gary. It’s not his fault if he looks, acts and sounds a lot like my ex in Texas. Well, he changed my mind. Maybe that’s why I didn’t take it from him…even if it did take 24 hours for me to stand up for myself. He had wanted to know everything I knew so I told him and I was ending with “You know, he never liked me. I could always sense this hostility towards me but–” and he cut me off, exactly the way Aaron used to do, and said “Before you say anything negative shut your mouth. I knew him a hell of a lot better than you did.” we had a stare down but, uncharacteristically, I broke eye contact first. I dismissed it, at the time, as him just hurting. However, if he had let me finished the end of my sentence I would have ended with “I wish I had known him better. I never got the chance.” and that I wasn’t talking shit. I was actually trying to speak well of him despite his dislike of me. For no reason.
I let it go at the time but the anger smoldered inside of me. Never truly burning out. I was willing to forgive Gary because he’s already been through his fair share of close-deaths in the last year. The next day I checked in with him to see how he was coping. He had taken the day off work. I asked if there was anything I could do to help him and he says “Remember what I told you last night. What are you going to do? It should be self explanatory.” I almost whirled back with a “fuck you” but restrained myself. I’m 27 years old. An ADULT. I actively try to be a good person and strive not to take my feelings and moods out on people. I gave myself a few minutes to organize my feelings and think carefully about what I was going to say…after all…we live in the same small town of 14k together.
I said “You know what? You never even let me finish my sentence. If you hadn’t interrupted me and actually gave me a chance you would have known I was expressing regret at never getting to know him. I was going to say ‘He sounded like a better person than I was ever given the chance to know and I wish I had gotten to know him better.’ But you didn’t. You jumped down my throat because you didn’t control your emotions. You know, you’ve never bothered to get to know me well either. Perhaps if you had cared to you wouldn’t have judged me so quickly. If you want to be part of what’s going on you talk to Nick because I’m done.” I quickly got an apology and I said it was okay…but it wasn’t fucking okay. I was just raised to not taking it out on people. My mother always said growing up “Just because you feel bad doesn’t mean you get to make others feel bad” I’ve strove to find a way that I can do that without suppressing anything. At least I strive at being honest without being disrespectful or mean.
I just don’t want to go through this anymore.