Remember when I said the week wasn’t over yet? Boy, was I right.
Since Nick’s brother-in-law’s death I have been the target of everyone’s aggressions. Most of this is due to misunderstandings and, I think, just needing someone to vent their frusrations on and as I’m not family, they’ve made it quite obvious, I suppose I’m free game. It seems like shit keeps happening to me that fucks up my relationship with them and it’s not anything I’m actively doing. The one mistake I did make was panicking at the news. As I said, he never liked me and I felt uncomfortable around him but I still knew him (not deeply, but you get it.) and it still was shocking and sad for me. Watching his wife grieve was the single most hardest thing I’ve ever watched in my life. So, my mistake? Reacting “poorly” when his family uncerimoniously excluded me and dumped me in a pitch black house all alone. During times like that you see shadows in every corner and your eyes play tricks on you. I didn’t want to be alone, even if the lights were on. So I called Nick’s friend and asked if I could come over. I trusted him because Nick trusted him. I don’t know if I still can. As I said in the previous post I didn’t end up at Nick’s friend’s house like I thought. You’ll recall what I said about the rudeness of the renter of the house and how much that hurt me too and made me feel hostile though I suppressed it. Anyway, that guy, even though he knew he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, evidently told loads of people (though he claims he didn’t…but how else would his mom know?) and his mom knew about the death before the deceased’s own parents. She even expressed her condolences before the mother even knew of her son’s suicide! No parent should EVER find out that way! Of course the family blames me and thinks I’m a complete blabber-mouth.
I get that I was part of something heart-wrenchingly horrible but it wasn’t my fault, at least I don’t think so. I take responsibility for the fact that I opened my mouth but if I hadn’t have been dumped in that lonely house all alone during one of the most if not the most traumatic day of my life, after having a seizure only two days before hand. Anyone that has even a rudimentary understanding of the brain would understand that for weeks afterward the person cannot be considered to be as cognitively stable for a bit. They need help making important decisions (like marriage, quitting their job, divorcing or moving) and probably shouldn’t make ANY if they don’t have support from somewhere. How would you react if you were in my situation? If your brain had fried and then double shocked, what would you do if you were alone and scared?
I believe if I had been included in some way instead of shoved aside I wouldn’t have panicked and told anyone. I think if I had been included from the beginning I’d be able to focus more on his widow than on trying to comprehend something that I couldn’t at that moment. I wish they could understand that –I understand what I did, at least– but they choose not to. They choose not to believe that it could have been avoided completely if they didn’t shove me aside. It’s difficult for a panicked person to organize their thoughts when their in the darkness and seeing shadows everywhere. Even more so when you’re brain is like a snow globe being dropped on the floor. The little bits of snow are your thoughts and emotions and they swirl around you while you’re trapped in this fish bowl and can’t figure out what to do right away. I walked into a strangers HOUSE at NIGHT right after a seizure when it happened alone and I was outside. I wandered two blocks from my house and let myself in. If this was a different town or especially a different state where guns are a source of pride rather than a simple too for protection I probably would have been killed immediately.
I’m not saying this as an excuse. I did what I did and nothing changes that. However, I wasn’t in my right mind and
However, the hostility has been prevalent since the first year Nick and I started dating (three years ago). I just wasn’t good enough. I can’t change their minds even if I’m successful. It is because of this, and the ultimate ganging up on me (I’d like to say that for the first 48 hours I took it stoicly and dismissed it as grief. Hey, it could still be the same, but seriously. I think it’s an excuse personally. I just HATE it that I’m thinking more about me than them. Because I am constantly hurt by them I’m finding it harder and harder to shrug off. I told Nick that I refuse to go over there.