Lung Cancer

My father has been diagnosed with lung cancer. Heavy smoker. Meth addict. Never around. Alcoholic. His name isn’t even on my birth certificate. Emotionally unstable.

I haven’t seen him in 3-6 years. I give such a wide gap because I can’t remember if I ever saw him during my Texas years.

I don’t hate him. I feel indifferent towards him. He wasn’t around in my life until I was 17 and by then I was over my “daddy wasn’t there issues” and had stopped caring. I don’t even know what it is to have a fatherly character in my life. That can of worms has never been opened.

So how do I feel?

Confused mostly. Confusion and a shamefully dull pain. It should hurt more. He’s my father. Or merely a sperm donor? I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s confusion wrapped in a sorrowful shroud of what should have been. He should have been clean. He should have been the sensitive cowboy father. He won’t see his grandchildren. THAT hurts.

2 thoughts on “Lung Cancer

  1. These are obviously tough times that you’re going through, even if we just see it as the wonderment on, well, how the hell does one feel when one’s sperm donor, who we are supposed to love, is on the brink of non-existence? I have never been in that situation, and I honestly cannot fabricate some sort of helpful answer. What I can say is based on what I’ve seen from you so far, and if it’s any consolation, I believe that you will be fine after this. You have gone through so much that I can’t possibly fathom, and yet you’ve been a very fun person to talk to.Despite all the issues you’ve faced, you’ve moved forward with some semblance of yourself, and you’ve made strides in being…happy? Whatever it is we do.

    tl;dr: Sorry bud. It really blows about your dad. If you need someone to talk, I’m here. In the meantime, remember that you’ve fought worse, and you’ll be fine.

  2. My feelings lie wholly with you, Saoirse. You have lived without half of the pair that should have been in your life, from Day 1. You are doing quite well, regardless, it seems. The loss, while somewhat mutual, has been mostly his. I could never imagine having a child, and not wanting him/her in my world, on a daily basis. Stay strong, and please keep in touch, at least on this medium.

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