“Let it go, Zoë.” “NEVER!”

You know what? I won’t let this go but, remarkably I’m moving on…in my own way of course. I found a solution to help impact the “problem” (my secret) and it’s allowing me to heal and do damage to a very serious problem at the same time lol. If I made any money I’d set up some sort of victims of racism psychological help center. I wish I had had one to go to.

Go ahead and yell at me about this. It always seems to happen.

Hawai’i still is and always will be apart of my life in some way. I’ve been going there since I was three weeks old and lived there for about 4 1/2 years. (I round up to five years more often than not though) I even have Hawaiian family on the Gilleo side. (cousin’s wife and their daughter) 

“A lot” of people from Hawai’i are moving into my home town too. There are quite a few Hawaiian paddling teams here too. They do decently well from what I hear. There is even an “authentic” Hawaiian restaurant in Pismo. It sucks though, stuff from Hawai’i is 100x better. The guy is from Hawaii (yes, he was Hawaiian.) too, he’s just a shitty cook or something. I don’t even know if HE cooks it actually…
Also spam is unpopular on the mainland. So I’m assuming musubis don’t sell well. Mine was horrible. My inexperienced Haole ass would probably do it better. It might look like vomit when I’m done making it but it would taste better. 
I don’t know how they stay open actually…

…ANYWAY…

It’s just weird to me…I’ve never had a state I’ve lived in impact me in such a profound way psychologically and spiritually (besides my epic California of course. Gotta go with being my own form of being a “local” Californian :D) Oregon didn’t. Texas didn’t. What’s more, Hawai’i seems to “follow me” wherever I go. I still have my old friends, the population here is growing, and parts of it have influenced popular/modern culture.

Hawaii is a wonderful island chain. You can feel the spiritual power emanating from the land. There is definitely a magic there and I believe that it is sacred and deserves protection. I don’t hate Hawaii. The land is wonderful. Despite what humans think no one should be able to own land. Own our homes but not the land around it. Make sense? I just hate what happened to me when I lived there…and if here is a long ass post about racism and how Hawaii impacted my sociological development as a teenager.

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I lived there during the most…horrible…period of my life. I had about seven or so good days (as in nothing racist was inflicted upon me…go vacation!) when I lived there. It’s not an exaggeration and whether or not you choose to own up to the fact that there is a serious problem in that state…it is really is that bad. I was a teenager (which is hard for anyone) living in an unwelcome place. It’s been eight years since I’ve moved and I’m still bitching about the racism. It still makes me absolutely FURIOUS that this still happens in America. Isolation and history is not a valid excuse in this day and age. You suck if you’re racist. The end. I don’t tolerate it towards ANYONE and I’ve stepped in more than a few times when it was targeted towards any other person.

Don’t believe me? You don’t have to. I know I’m not the only one though. I know several people here that are white and lived in Hawaii. 90% of them said something akin to “The fucking place can be swallowed by the ocean for all I care”

Guess what those people do? TELL THEIR FUCKING FRIENDS NOT TO GO TO HAWAII. THEY LISTEN BECAUSE IT’S NOT WORTH THE DANGER. I DO EVERY CHANCE I GET TOO. DEAL WITH IT. When 80% of your economy depends on tourism you don’t develop an obvious racist problem. You hide that shit. Like every other state. Except for southern states. *ba-dum-da*

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The random kicks and punches and spit on my face has long since faded but the emotional scars remain. Because it was ignored by my so called friends. Because the police ignored me. Because the cop TOLD ME I deserved it because I was white. 

It took years before I could finally believe it had nothing to do with ME as a person, it had everything to do with my skin color and Kingdom of Hawaii/State of Hawaii history. I should get over it right? It takes awhile when people suffer a lot of abuse. It was abuse. Some people get LESS abuse from their abusive lovers/spouses. 

I’m a sensitive person. I’m inherently kind. I’d give the shirt off my back to someone that didn’t own one even if it meant I had to walk home in my bra. I’ve even imagined that situation in my head and decided I would do it without question lol. 

Honestly, I’m like the second or third nicest person I know, that’s even with the inner critical thoughts that everyone walks around with. I’m not saying that to be like “OMG you guys suck and I’m awesome” I’m just trying to illustrate that I’m not some chick who is a bitch to everyone. In fact, I try super hard not to even if it’s deserved. However, I won’t take shit I don’t feel is deserved either. I’ll take whatever I feel I deserve though. I didn’t deserve that. No one does. Except for ethnic cleansers. However…while sensitive I’m also fiery. I’m stubborn. It’s not a good combo as an artist but not when attacked. I’m not much of a psychical fighter but I’m smarter than the average bear.

————————————————————————————————

By standing up for myself and pointing out their errors (not surprisingly, it’s super easy to out wit racist fuckers. Even if you’re 13.) but those kinds of people can’t take criticisms so it gets turned around and because I’m white I “auto-lose” anything regarding race… even if I was the reasonable “winner” of logic and reason. The bullying got worse. Hey kids, did you know that racism is bullying? Now you do.

Even if it’s the white person arguing AGAINST RACISM they are magically racist. Still trying to figure that one out. If I had a penny for every argument I’ve had in Hawaii about treating whites equal to any other race (socially) that gets stupid people all fired up that they’re not perfect and view it as a criticism about their entire ethnic group…which is just fucking stupid…and turn it around….anyway.
I’d have like $2.00 so that’s 200 times. Over 13 years. It still happens on Facebook and that’s just as much my fault as theirs though. I choose to engage. Even though I know going in you can’t fix stupid. Heaven knows I try though.

I should let it go… but like a terrier I’m going to shake it until it’s mostly over with. Bleeding and dead. Racism that is. It won’t ever completely be gone from this world but I can injure it. I’ll make it bleed for making me bleed. For making innocents suffer. I’m not “allowed to help” but I’m an adamant supporter of treating people on an individual basis. Even if I’m rejected from that because I’m white (fucking ironic, right? I’m starting to think it’s just revenge)

Regardless of what you walk away feeling…anger towards me because this is magically racist because I was a victim of racism and refuse to just take it and are too stupid (yep, I said it. You’re fucking stupid as hell if you believe standing up against racism is racist. If you fail to realize that acknowledging what was done to me is not the same as being racist then that is your problem. I don’t hold any ill feelings towards the race as a whole I only hold my injustice against the many, many fuckers in high school and strangers on the street that hassled me. The friends that did nothing. The friends that denied it even though we both knew they were lying. 

You may feel sympathy because I went through horrible shit, but don’t because it’s given me very useful tools that I probably wouldn’t have developed if this stupid as hell shit didn’t happen to me. Maybe you feel annoyance because I’m still bitching about something in ancient history. Whatever you feel…sorry, but it doesn’t matter. I mean, that sounds like a total bitch thing to say…but it matters how I FEEL about this because I’m the one that has to deal with it. I know I need to let my abuses go and move on into the sunlight but not until I make racism bleed. That it can happen to everyone regardless of ethnicity and all people deserve to be protected from the slings and errors of the bigots (and the psychological ones, like the ones I still have and deal with every day)

I’m sorry if I offended anyone. If you’re offended let me sum up why you shouldn’t be.

* I’ve explained that I don’t hate Hawaii or it’s native inhabitants. Just the assholes that made my life a living hell for 4 1/2 years. Just because they weren’t an asshole to YOU didn’t mean they didn’t bully me relentlessly. You know what they did. You’re just too big of a coward to admit it. 

**Note** I don’t hold anything against the people that DID admit it…even if it was 13 years later. They at least did the right thing eventually. I’ll give brownie points for that. Even if it didn’t help me until I was 27 years old and gave me some sort of vindication of what I had been saying for years. It’s nice to not have the “door slammed in your face” for once.

* The state of Hawaii has a serious problem and it WILL ruin the state eventually if the racist citizens of the state don’t do something to hide their feelings better or cultivate themselves into better people. You guys rely too heavily on people thinking Hawaii is fucking amazing. It is, but don’t tarnish it with your hatred. Every “fucking haole” thing you ever say makes Hawaii a little less bright in the eyes of the outside world. Because news spreads and I help that news. You can either be part of the solution or part of the problem. If you do nothing and ignore this you are part of the problem. Take what I said to heart and help others. No one should be a victim. That goes for you too.

*Treats others the way you’d want to be treated. Not the way you think they deserve to be treated. That pretty much goes for every situation ever.

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