You should know.

Before you start telling people that I have anger problems you should know that you’ve never, ever allowed me to feel anger…every time I feel this basic human emotion it gets thrown in my face, of course it makes me angrier. Was that a tactic to diffuse the situation? You’re already critically hurting me by saying that.

Here is how it looks me: “Allow me to make you feel like shit. Maybe you’ll act how I approve of then”
and you’re not even that kind of a person so I don’t understand the tactic. Thats how it’s felt every time you’ve told me I have anger problems.

You didn’t bother to ask “How do you feel. Why do you want to do? What is the plan if the worst happens?” You let me react and then admonished me for expressing that emotion.

It’s natural to be hurt and angry when that shitty family takes him away from me. Again. Only 1 1/2 of family. Again. Family had never thought I was worth it. Don’t you understand?

Not allowing me to work through the stages of grief by not allowing me to process that anger (anger is an important step, you know.) is detrimental to my recovery from grief. That’s obvious to me.

Not to sound dramatic but all it is, is “just another twist of the knife” as the saying goes. Is it any surprise that it escalates into a fight? Every. Single. Time. If you don’t want me to be angry then don’t force me to suppress it.

Look, we’ve both seen what people with real anger problems look like and you should be able to tell the difference. When was the last time I started a physical fight with someone? NEVER. When was the last time I drowned my anger in substance abuse? NEVER. When was the last time I ripped into someone as cruel as Suzy? Never. I never even ripped Aaron a new one like he deserved and he destroyed my mind and I had to rebuild it from scratch.

This is how far I’ve gotten even though I’ve been attempting to fix my brain and confirms eve since I was diagnoised.

I never ripped Ryan a new one and he RAPED me. I’m more like you than you seem to accept. You should know, though it counts for nothing, that I am repeatedly hailed for my patience and kindness by friends that have known me for years. Yet, all you see is that anger.

You should be happy that your parenting makes me try to control myself.

I feel bad we had that fight, and I’m sorry and love you more than anyone but it was the last straw. I can’t take the supression. It’s the supression that makes people drink and punch those oh-so-attractive holes in walls.

I am allowed to feel anger. I have never run away with it. I am allowed to be all talk about it so I feel like less of a victim. Don’t take that from me. Who knows, if I don’t have the fake maybe there won’t be that patience and barrier that my friends tell me I have?

Maybe it’s needed, ever consider that? Maybe I talk that way to control it so I don’t turn into someone with real anger problems?

I’ve been trying to get you to understand Adult Zoë about this, but you won’t listen. It’s like you think I’ve made no progress. You act like I’m still an angry teenager and have completely ignored any time I’ve tried to explain it. You just bring up how people that rarely see me agree with you. Of course they hear your side, but what about mine?

Jenny’s opinion. Did we forget that I had a seizure? You were just as bad and yet you have shown no understanding because I’ve never been able to express anger. I love her but she easily believes what anyone tells her about someone and never tries to find out anything to the contrary.

Don’t you ever wonder why I fling so many self loathing comments at myself so frequently that I don’t realize I’m doing it?

I never get good reinforcement for the things about me that were important. It’s just all the things that are wrong with me and “what I need to work on.” Don’t you wonder why I keep asking you if you think I’m this and that about myself? I’m looking for acceptance. Why do you think it hurts when you get that look on your face before you answer?

I idolize you. I want to be just like you. I’m a teacher when I didnt want to for years, for crying out loud. I only wanted to be an archaeologist but you didn’t think I could do it so I made up an excuse of wanting a family instead and pursued something more to my “abilities”, such as teaching children colors and how to count to ten and gave up my dream forever. Doesn’t that show you anything? I gave up getting my dream career and pursued yours. (and don’t get me wrong, I like working with kids and am content with my career but it still needed to be illustrated to be someone you’d proud to brag about.

In closing I’d like I remind you of all I’ve gone through -first hand- in just over a month, and yes, I’m aware that you’ve been dealing with me dealing with it. In order of occurrence.

•I’ve been through a seizure.

•An injury as the result of the episode, which only stopped hurting last week.

•Nick’s family shit

•My psycho room mate

•Two moves

• And finally the death of my father and the possibility of being excluded from my own dad’s funeral because I’m my dad’s ex’s kid.

All this and I’m not allowed to be angry. Oh boy does that make me angry lol.

I ask you to let me be angry. I’ve never ran wild with it. Please figure out I’m not as fucked up as you say I am.

2 thoughts on “You should know.

  1. The fear of anger (someone else’s) is one of the prime neuroses in our Western culture. It seems to me that your anger is perfectly valid- don’t let anyone stop your venting.

    • I completely agree. We’re so afraid of emotions and then they explode because we don’t learn how to handle them. It also doesn’t help when she sticks her fingers in her ears.

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