That is why I scream.

There is so much criticism. But apparently it’s all in my head.

I just want you to listen. But you say you do. That I never say anything new. That I’m stuck in a cycle.

And that is why I scream.

The criticisms give way to fear which gives way to avoidance which gives way to supression. Which gives way to cracked shields. Which shatters my defenses.

All of this you think I make up to make myself the victim. Because I want people to comfort me. I just wanted you to understand. You are forcing me to get therapy because you think I’m crazy. You’ll take the school way from me if I don’t do what you want. They can’t give me the one thing I want. For you to understand. For you to see my suffering as more than excuse. You make me want to die sometimes, but I’m too big of a coward to change myself, as you said. Death is the ultimate change and we all know that is the one thing I’ve never tried.

As you said. I’m a coward. I want people to feel bad for me. I don’t appreciate anything anyone does for me that I why I don’t work an that is why I forget to do things. You’re right about me mom.

Wait, no you’re not. I thought you understood the brain. I thought you’d be able to understand. I don’t know who I am but I know what I’m not.

That is why I fall to the floor sobbing and screaming into my hands. That’s why I “throw a tantrum”. I scream because you won’t hear me. I scream because there is nothing left.

You think I’m so mentally ill you said you can’t trust me. Why don’t you listen? You scoff because I keep saying that. When will you say “WHAT THEN?!” And actually listen to the response and not just the first half of the sentence.

If anyone makes me mentally ill it’s you not understanding me.

But never mind. I’m bat shit crazy and have severe emotional issues. I want to walk and keep walking. Walk into the fog. Hide for awhile.

Of course I’m just doing anything but taking responsibility right?

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3 thoughts on “That is why I scream.

  1. buddy71 says:

    “I just want you to listen. But you say you do. That I never say anything new. That I’m stuck in a cycle.” i have heard this before so many times that i made a recording and play it back to those that say it to me.

  2. Last time, I checked, the ones who say “You never appreciate anything I do!” were the ones crying “POOR MEEEE”. You have every right to be heard and understood, Saoirse.

  3. viefinale says:

    I know the feeling of wanting to hide for a good long time. your “walking through the fog” sounds a lot like my desires to lay in the grass and just melt into it.

    I feel a lot of your pain right now and really that is all I have to offer

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