Because I won’t.

I get so upset because I feel helpless with his family. Even though the tempest rages within I keep my mouth shut. I’m not really sure why. It’s either respect ( unlikely), fear (even more unlikely) so I’m assuming I’m doing it out of loyalty to Nick.

What may be the truth, is that despite how much I want what is deserved, at least in mind, I shouldn’t rip into them. Why should I anyway? Because they deserve it? Certainly. 10x over. Because of how I was raised though, I find it hard to “inflict” upon people what they deserve. I feel like it’s my right but I KNOW that if they get what they deserve it makes things worse. So how is it the right decision? What should I do?

Of course my mom only sees how angry I get here. She sees it as immaturity. Tells me so and then retreats. That makes me angry and we had a fight about it yesterday but we’re fine now. She never listened in the first place and is tired of it now. It’s amazing how people just hear things. Learn to see what I need instead of exacerbating my anger with more unfairness. She only sees my hate and not the years worth of efforts I’ve tried gaining their approval. She’s always strongly disapproved of every “negative emotion” and I think, tries to force me to suppress it. You know, because that’s healthy. It’s why I feel the need to scream. The more she forces me to depress the more I want to do the opposite. But of course that means I’m “childishly” blaming her for everything. It goes round and round. I can’t make her see anymore than I can make Nick’s parents see.

Regardless, I feel like I’m not allowed (not sure by who) to vent my anger. I don’t get to defend myself. Of course you explode. Maybe I’m looking for their next excuse to drain the venom towards them. It’s only me that has to suffer it. Well, that’s not exactly true. Nick and Mom are tired of it.

What should I do? I don’t want to keep this in anymore. I want something to be done to get them to fuck off. I want a way to keep them from constantly talk shit about me. I want karma. I want to never see or hear them again. I want them to move away or otherwise do something so I never have to deal with them. Most of all though, I don’t want to be tied down by this notion that keeping all this “inside” is the best thing for me to do. I mean, how could they possibly think any worse from me?

It’s already destroyed forever. They will not hurt me again after I drain this ire from my mind and soul. They won’t get a 6th, 7th, or 8th chance.

You want to resent me? Two can play at the game. Luckily for me I’m not a vengeful person (as in actively seeks revenge) but I do want the world to help me gain karma if I can’t be allowed to take my respect back on my own. I almost look forward to them giving me that one reason to verbally rip them up. To force the truth down their throats and make them acknowledge what a shitty group of people they are. THAT is karma. I don’t want anything bad to happen to them of course, it’s more social retribution that I’m seeking. Whatever happens to them socially they deserve.

I’m sure that I’ll be the one to stand tall eventually but this ire needs to be drained. For good. I don’t want anyone to save me with their words. I save myself if I can. I can this time around.

I just feel bad that Nick is the middle man, though he resents his family as much or more than I do. It’s just more complicated because their blood. I guess it’s also because I know that Nick will choose me and I won’t make him choose. I have the possibility to create an irreparable rift in his family and as much as I want drain this anger I don’t want to do that. At all.

It’s complicated and all it would take to make me feel better would be if I could allow myself to defend myself.

The thing is though, it probably wouldn’t make them think about their own behavior. They understand nothing in their judgmental ignorance and so they learn nothing.

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