[Insert Title Here]

I don’t know how to begin this…or even what my point is in all this. I guess my only plan is to just write and write and write and not censor or edit myself regardless of poor grammar or misspelled words.

To start with why this has hurt me I have to tell one story in order to tell you another story.

Growing up I was in special ed math. It was my secret shame and biggest secret. I still try to hide my disability whenever possible. I can’t do more than simple math in my head. For most things I use a calculator. I’m capable of honors in every other subject but with math I’m probably at about the level of a 4th or 5th grader. I’m serious. It’s like that part of my brain is damaged but everything else functions normally. You know, besides the epilepsy. 

Obviously, this brings down an IQ score dramatically.

I feel this is unfair as I am good at everything else. I mean, of course the test is accurate. It accurately measured my inability to do math…but still. I’d like to be measured on the other subjects alone and see how I stack up. Just to be scored on my strengths alone. It doesn’t work like that though.

Intelligence is what sets us apart from other species. That’s our defining characteristic. It’s been both our saving grace and our downfall. Intelligence is one of the things I prize most. You can imagine how being a SPED makes me feel. 

Nick is wonderful and when we fight I’m usually the bad guy. I’m aware of that. Even though I don’t feel like the bad guy any sort of irritation or anger I feel towards Nick is unjustified as he’s taken care of me, dealt with my epilepsy and has generally been incredibly kind and patient. No one is perfect though. Sometimes I get mad at him. Especially like with yesterday.

Sometimes he does this thing where he’ll bring up all these issues that were previously resolved and will dump it at my feet and explain (again) how that hurt him. I had apologized (again) unsure of where this was going and why it was brought up now of all times. It’s not a question he’d answer were I to ask it. The simple answer is that it’s probably just weighed on him. It continued to hurt after we made up. I know that feeling well. I’m feeling it now.

So went through the whole thing again. I stayed submissive. Which isn’t something that I do often, not that I’m argumentative…its more that I’m not equally cowed. If I feel like I’m in the wrong and am truly sorry I act this way. I was truly sorry so I stood through it again. 

Doing this always makes me feel insecure as fuck.

I’m not the most confident person, I’ll admit it. I’m very aware that how a person perceives themselves may not be what they actually shows the world. As I said, I’m aware of this. It makes me insecure because I don’t KNOW how others perceive me but I know that -I- probably can’t see it accurately. I began to wonder if I was the bad guy after all.

I asked if he still wanted to get married. He said yes. I asked him to describe me in three words. He said…

• Ambitious

• Obsessed (with WoW)

• Opinionated

Wow.

Just wow.

I’m still not over it, obviously.

The first three words you use to describe your fiance are negatives ones? Wow. How big of a shit head does that make me? I asked for clarification on them. “Why do you think that?” He argued that ambitious was a good thing because it meant that I refused to give up. I had been thinking of the more negative aspects of ambition.  I still am. 

I’m not obsessed with WoW just because I’ve played it for a decade and play it a lot.

Okay, you’ve had you’re laugh. Shut up now.

No, seriously. Dry your eyes and pay attention.

Yes, I’ve played it since I was 17. Yes, I have tons and tons of hours put in. To be fair that for much of it I was a student who lived at home and didn’t have a job. Then I had trouble finding a job or could only achieve shitty part time jobs so I had a lot of downtime between school and a five hour shift. It’s true that I almost feel more at home in Azeroth than I do on earth. I have multiple reasons for feeling this way and none of them has to do with wanting to be in a virtual world based around a false sense of achievement. However, I have made an agreement (with myself) on the guidelines of playing WoW. One of which is that I would never turn down an IRL (In real life) event that I was supposed to go to in order to play WoW. I never have in 10 years. Never called into work to play WoW instead. Never missed a class to play WoW. Never missed a time to hang out with friends. In a decade. I think that exempts me from being obsessed. He also plays video games as much as me. The difference is that my choice of game didn’t change. I think he believes that when I raid I’m putting WoW before him but we’d be doing exactly the same thing but with a different game if I decided not to raid.

Opinionated.

opin·ion·at·ed

adjective \-yə-ˌnā-təd\

: expressing strong beliefs or judgments about something : having or showing strong opinions

 
Full Definition of OPINIONATED
:  unduly adhering to one’s own opinion or to preconceived notions
 
I express my beliefs and all that but who doesn’t? It’s a crucial part of discussion. You have nothing to talk about if you don’t have opinions on subjects. I am not unwilling to change my opinions either. I expect others to express their opinions as well, even if they don’t agree with me. Doesn’t that make us all opinionated? Are most people terrified to say what they really think to the point they demonize those of us who do?
 
Then he dropped the bomb shell when I asked “Do you think I’m as smart as I think I am?” to which he said “No.”
That was the ultimate insult to me. I tried to hide it. I don’t consider myself a genius, I only have a love of knowledge. How could a SPED be a genius? I asked him how smart did he think I thought I was and he said “I don’t know”…so he was afraid to go further. 
 
My dream is to be widely considered very intelligent. I want that to be obvious. I want it to be true. Perhaps it’s not.
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2 thoughts on “[Insert Title Here]

  1. There is nothing wrong with having ambition; that’s how we know in which direction to go. Being keenly interested in a game is not harmful either, especially given the parameters you described. As for you’re being highly intelligent- there are all kinds of intelligence, and each of us excels in some and is lacking in others. I am sure that, were weto have a conversation, I would be impressed by many of your insights. It is not necessary for any of us to be seen as omniscient.

  2. cagey says:

    I too am terrible at math. Solving problems could take minutes or it could take an hour. It was a struggle to retain any sort of information. By middle school it started affecting my ability to read, memorize, and recall. So I went to a special eyedoctor — and for the first time in my life someone understood how difficult it was and why I struggled. I needed glasses because of a type of visual learning disorder. It wouldn’t help everything, but it helps some. But he told me, that I was very smart; simply because I had managed to function this long. I’d figured out how to rewire things in my brain and learn differently from others without a stitch of help. Everything improved except for math — I think by that time it was just too late. So just because people can’t do math doesn’t make them dumb… just different. No one is a cookie cutter.
    Ambition is not exactly always a bad thing to have. Ambition can make people driven and successful, and very empowered. Opinionated is also not a bad thing. Sure it may be overbearing, but there are millions of people that pride themselves on never having an opinion on anything and are fairly spineless. You asked him a couple of loaded questions, of which he failed pretty miserably. That’s to be expected really. Often men, especially stubborn ones that cling to a psychological ego a wee bit too much, will peg others to be the bad guy in an argument. Afterall, do they want to feel at fault? It feels way more relaxing to never be at fault. Every woman would like to feel that their s/o’s three top words for them would be a lot more appealing than they probably are thinking. What words come to mind for him? Are they just as negative if you are brutally honest, or are they ambiguous?

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