This post is a little while in coming. I want to write it down in my physical journal but this is faster. I can get most of my thoughts out this way.
First, let me tell you a little about me and why honesty is so important to me:
Simply put I was raised that way. I was always raised to have reverence for my ancestors and that my behavior can honor or dishonor my clan. That is more deeply programmed in me than running around in a circle when someone taps my head and says “Goose!” Lame humor, but what do you want from me? I’m not in a good mood.
Lately I’ve discovered that even the people I’m closest too; the people I’ve shared my life with at my most vulnerable 4times are liars. I don’t like lies of any kind. White lies. I dislike sugar coating as well because I consider those to be lies. When I speak to people you don’t wonder what I’m really thinking. You’re probably wishing you COULD be in that scenario instead. For better or worse you will always get the truth out of my mouth. And fingers. (Typing)
Okay, vent time.
At work I thought I was friends with everyone. We’ve all hung out outside of work and we’ve learned about each others personal lives to an extent. (I don’t withhold personal life information, but they might) but I’ve found out that recently over half of them have said untrue things about me at work. About work. I’ll get blamed for something I didn’t do. They’ll talk behind my back. Champion their own cause to give me less hours so they can have more under the guise of being sensitive to my “condition.” Taking advantage of my epilepsy officially makes you a piece of shit. You realize that, don’t you?
Yes, I know about that motherfucker. And I trusted YOU the most out of them all. I thought YOU and I were one of those friends that ended up being one of the closest, most personal of friends. We had a lot in common. Now I don’t think we have anything in common. Fuck you. I just can’t do anything about it. Yet. Luckily for you I’m not a revenge sort of person, but you can be damn sure I won’t forget your treachery. You’re a motherfucker dude, and I nearly hate you. Remember…everyone talks eventually. Even if they just want something to say.
Person number two….I couldn’t even conceive of the amount of information you withheld from me. I feel betrayed by that. Things that should have been said to ME, but you were too afraid. I make very little allowances for this behavior. But only because it’s you. You’re better than that. I expect you to own it. I need you to tell me the truth, good or bad. No matter how it makes me feel. I am at my most vulnerable around you. You listen even if you don’t understand; don’t agree. You’re NOT a motherfucker but I know you’ll keep things from me now. To me, that’s a lie.
I have others that I can write about but this is already emotionally draining me and I’m feeling my thoughts drift away so I can tell that it’s time to take a break. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s my fault for being so naive, so trusting. I don’t want this to make me hard. Make me skeptical. I like who I am. I don’t want to have to change who I am because other people are weak.