Fuck you, cunt.

Today I went to the doctor to try and get help for my depression and anxiety. Something I’ve been trying to get help with for ten years. They always fuck me over, no matter what I say. I don’t know if I’d have to go as far as hold a gun to my head to get them to believe me. I have never run into a more fucked up health official. She was a nurse practitioner, the actual doctor had just retired and a bunch of other doctors in the area have quit too so there was no -real- doctor for me to speak to, but just as well, since he wouldn’t help me either.

I’d have found different health care professionals a long time ago except there is a big shortage of doctors here. A bunch of them retired at around the same time and the other doctors around here aren’t accepting new patients for TWO YEARS. That’s how bad it is. I get that they’re all being over worked to shit, and I sympathize with that grueling work load, but I didn’t not deserve this derisive treatment. I have never, ever been treated this way by a health care professional, and I’ll be damned if she gets away with it.

Okay so here is what happened:

I already go in there expecting not to be helped. I haven’t had them help me, really, in ten years. I got antibiotics once though. This is in my ENTIRE adult life. Before that I lived somewhere else. So I arrive and everything is hunky-dory for a little while with everyone else I had to interact with. The nurse’s assistant and front desk ladies were perfect. I really liked them. In fact, I mistook the assistant for the practitioner, because SHE listened, was kind and seemed to genuinely care about what I said. Then the practitioner came in a few minutes later.

She looked me up and down and scowled. She didn’t say “Hi” or anything just said “What can I do for you.” super flatly like she didn’t really care. I said I needed help with my depression, that I had been struggling with it since I was 12-13 (puberty) and that it had gotten super bad in my teens and had taken Zoloft briefly before wanting to try to do it on my own at 19. Within the year I tried to get back on it, but when I was diagnosed with epilepsy I realized I couldn’t handle it anymore and I tried a lot harder. About once a year I average a no. Their reason? I’m not suicidal. Isn’t the point to get help BEFORE you try anything so permanent? I thought I’d have to hold a gun to my head to take me seriously.

She told me I wasn’t looking hard enough and mocked me and said all I did was sit in my room and cry. I told her how I had been looking, and at how CENCAL is refused by so many doctors. She told me she didn’t want to prescribe anything because it wasn’t her area, and neither was epilepsy and I’d need to go to a psychologist. I get that, but I told her that they had refused me too and she just laughed at me. She kept saying the same thing over again and so did I. She kept smirking and laughing at me the whole time. I started crying. She just kept doing it. She smirked the entire fucking time. She enjoyed it. I know she did. I bet she was a bully in school. Probably is in her other relationships too. You don’t show that side of you in just one setting. I can imagine her mistreating minimum wage workers or belittling her children.
If I was a violent person, I’d punch her right in her diarrhea spewing mouth, but I’m not. I just totally understand the emotions behind it. It took all of my self control not to walk out. I strongly considered it. That would have been a first for me too. Walking out.

I told her that Zoloft doesn’t really effect my blood levels and that my neurologist had told me so (and I had looked it up myself before I even asked my neurologist to make sure it was true)

So after all that, I asked flatly, “So you won’t help me?” she raised her voice, much louder than mine; my voice is a little louder than others naturally, not sure why. It’s always been a problem, even when trying to whisper, I’m told I’m not whispering lol. I dunno if it’s just the way it’s developed or if I have a hearing problem. But I digress.

Just to make sure the other rooms heard her she yelled “I DIDN’T SAY THAT. I CAN PRESCRIBE IT TO YOU IF YOU WANT.” “Yes, please, I need help.” I said. She then said “By the way, don’t tell me what to do.” and I said “I phrased it as a question. Not an accusation I’m sorry if my wording was offensive, I’m just so desp –” she walked right out of the room and closed the door a little too loudly. Not a slam but not a total “normal close” either. Somewhere in between. Not necessary but not grandiose either.

She went to go look up the medication and how it interacts with my seizure, which was probably the one thing she did right. I was right too, which is probably why she went too far when she came back.

After what felt like forever…there was no fucking clock and I’m too poor to pay my cellphone bill so I stopped carrying my phone…so it felt like it took hours, but was probably only like 5-10 mins. When you’re upset and anxious with the one person who has the power to help you, who is openly mocking you for suffering, time slows to a crawl. I believe I have every right to say “So you won’t help me?”, she had already been intentionally rude from the second she walked in. I didn’t want to have to twist her arm. I don’t think I was being that rude, I was just asking for clarification because I was done trying to be emotionally strong around her. I crumbled anyway. Being mocked for suffering by the very person you’re asking to help you…

To add insult to injury, when she FINALLY came back, she gave me a fucking FAQ sheet on epilepsy! She said very loudly, outside of my door to whom I assume was the assistant nurse that I clearly needed an second-education about epilepsy! Something I’ve had for almost seven years! There was nothing I wasn’t right about! She was just pissed off. She shoved it at me and said “My advice to you is to not expect someone else to fix you.” and I retorted “Of course I don’t. I just want the means to keep fighting.” she smirked again and just left the room.

I went into the car while my mom finished up her appointment and just sobbed. I sobbed for a long, long time. At least I got 50mg of Zoloft for all the trauma though. I didn’t mean to twist her arm.

different-types-of-depression-sad-woman

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3 thoughts on “Fuck you, cunt.

  1. You did better than I would have. Then again, I’d have been thrown in jail.

  2. linnealien says:

    *hugs* I’m so sorry.

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